Moonlit

I...
The unabashed winner, having things my forsaken, forbidden way, bending fate, redirecting destiny to suit the vanquishing inconsistencies of my whims…
For once… I've lost, and this once, I know, will last for ever.

I…
Used to winning these staring contests with my oldest comrade in nocturnal nadirs, he batting the first eyelid, giving in to the piercing reach of my self-righteous, subverting gaze, surrendering into the mist…
For once... I've lost, and this once, I know, will last for ever.I close my eyes. I open them. I'm awake.

.....

I see him, up there. I see the familiar round face, the perpetually expressionless eyes, the numb yet gentle glance; its luscious luminosity irradiating the horizons with more than white light. I see the glance, once a cherished reminder of an expectant evening; now an intriguingly intimidating, excruciatingly empty stare; a spiteful one that seems to have questions, unanswerable ones, a stare brazenly betraying the broken heart of the solemn starer. I see it, with the hazy, fluffy clout that ought to accompany it on nights as these, nights seemingly of doubt, possibly of remission, expectedly of retrospection.

I'm awake, I'm aware. In the middle of a keen staring contest, and in the midst of the woods and the remains of my erstwhile car, I know I've lost. More than the contest. And the feeling , however unruly, however unresolved, is no longer new.
I've known it since the night had just begun, the night that has continued without cease, superseding days and months, rebuffing light and life.

The night that was preceded by the most ethereal twilit sky, witness to the eternally beautiful reunion of the red of the sun with the blue of the seas, scattered with the beaming, twinkling joy of the stars coming back to check on their favourite children.

The night whose earliest memory, painfully graphic in its imprint on my mind, continues to kill in parts, and whose remorse, shockingly sullen in its attempts at purgation, remains an insufficient customer of redemption.

The night that began with an expecting yet awkward silence characteristic to lovers aware their differences should have been settled much earlier; that saw the long emotional embrace that a long missed, dearly loved one deserves; that witnessed two quiet, sober adults turn into two loud, excited high school pals with a sudden realisation of their immense love.

The night that saw two people in love, kept apart by humane mistakes and inflamed egos, finally come together; that saw them share the love of a lifetime in a few precious moments; that could not help but revel in their revived affection and renewed vows; and that should have done nothing more than raise a toast to and give way to the dawn of their reborn relationship.

But maybe I had won for too long…I had to lose this once. This once, that set in a year back, right here, in the midst of the woods, in the remains of my erstwhile car. Right here, with her life leaving her in my anguished arms, and leaving me to face the night, alone…

I'm awake. Wish I was not. Wish I never had to be.

.....

I close my eyes. I open them. I'm awake.
I look again, up there. I see the familiar face, the other one this time, the other of the only two that I ever knew to be all mine. I see the eyes, overwhelmed with the pain I thought mine, and now know to be shared. I see those eyes, hazel, deep, moist, overwhelmed with the same effervescent love I noticed in them when distance was never imagined to be a factor. I see the glance, the same quietly mischievous, alluring glance that would make me give in to anything it ever asked in the many years and the few moments in which I lovingly and gratefully experienced it. I see the glance, to feel the affection of which for a few lost seconds, I know I would trade away the remaining of my time.

I see it, I feel it, the glance, her glance…betraying her broken heart. We look at each other, into each other. We feel each other, hearts broken not so much by the distance between us, as by the pain of the other. I see her smile, the benign smile of the benign woman I knew, and know, to be mine, the smile that wouldn't kill the pain, but would certainly help cure it.

I know why she's here, I see the love, and the pain, in those eyes, I know what that smile asks of me…

…..

I close my eyes. I open them. I'm awake.

I look up, again. I see the familiar face, the one that belongs to my nocturnal comrade, the expressionless eyes, the numb, gentle glance… but there's also the familiar, benign smile, behind it…subtle, but present…to watch over me, to be my companion, my keeper, my moonlight...

I'm awake, I've lost, but this is not the end...